I’ve decided to relocate to a different region of Colombia. This comes as no surprise to anyone who knows me personally.

Other people have asked me why I soured on living in Barranquilla. Instead of writing an “academic” paper on it, I decided to let the emotions flow and write an “angry rant” just to get shit off my chest.

First, I want to make something clear: this article, just like basically all the “Culture” articles in this blog – or in ANY blog, for that matter! – involve GENERALIZATIONS. Obviously, any sane person knows that when it comes to human behavior and culture, there are ALWAYS stereotypes AND exceptions. So don’t come at me with, “You’re generalizing, buddy!” because NO SHIT, Sherlock, I KNOW that! Tell me, is EVERY single Arab a misogynist? Is EVERY Nigerian a judge-y gossip-ey fake-Christian? Does EVERY Japanese person bow a lot, enjoy anime and Math? Is EVERY North American a lonely clinically obese healthcare-deprived pridefully-ignorant workaholic? OF COURSE NOT! Yet those are REAL and COMMON experiences of foreigners in THOSE parts of the world!

Ergo, this rant is NOT meant to apply to Every Single Human Being in the Caribbean Coast, but it is based on the OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of MY personal and unique experience in Barranquilla!

Got it? Great. Empezamos.

Why do I believed I picked the wrong fucking part of Colombia in which to live? Let’s start with…

The Language

The Caribbean coastal dialect is called “Costeñol”, and – to put it mildly – it’s a f🤬king dumpster fire fed by undying demonic embers 🔥👿 Even other Colombians have a hard time understanding WTaF Costeño people are saying at full speed, dropping many syllables, and dropping most of the “S” sounds. What the shit is “bu”? “Boo”? Are you a ghost trying to scare me? It’s BUS. It’s fucking BUS!! 🚌 BEE YUU fucking ESS! THERE’S AN ESS IN THERE, you f🤬king retard!

In fact, when I first dated someone in Cartagena (in 2021, on my very first trip to Colombia), I legitimately thought she had a speech disability – that’s how fucked-up the dialect is!

Basically, if you’re not 120% fluent in Spanish, you won’t understand any Costeño person who’s speaking at their normal speed. Or even at 25% slower speed. It’s fucking trash. Try talking to someone native to a barrio called Nueva Colombia, for instance… You’ll want to choke them out for violating your ears, and then proceed to kill yourself immediately after, because trying to understand them has anally violated your brain and screwed up your Spanish Language-Learning by at least 6 weeks.

The Lifestyle

Initially unbeknownst to me, and according to MANY other Colombians, Costeños are generally regarded as laid-back and lazy people. The common knowledge is that Costeños just want to party, go dancing to ear-splitting loud music, drink beer, fuck around with multiple partners (even when married!), chase women, chase “666 men“, chase expats for free money (or in exchange for sex, if they’re female), “live for today and tomorrow”, avoid doing hard work or plan for the future (poor work ethic, bare minimum)… yet somehow making time to sit around complaining about how broke they are.

Ask around and you will find that most people in Bogota or Medellin refuse to hire Costeños, or even rent apartments to them 🚫

Intellectual Laziness

Costeños are generally closed-minded, they won’t even try something as simple as new cuisine – it’s the same “arroz con pollo y platano y un poco ensalada” with ZERO FLAVOR, for weeks or months at a time. You’ll wanna bring your own spices whenever you go eat at a restaurant. I already talked about this in an older article, so I won’t belabor the point.

Costeños don’t want to learn anything new, definitely not English, and not even something as simple as using a f🤬king translator app. Not even if it’ll help them attract new PAYING customers/clients/business and more money!

However, I repeat, they ALWAYS have time and energy to complain about not having “plata”.

Social Circles

Colombians in general have Closed Social Circles, but it’s WORSE in Barranquilla because of their narrow-mindedness and provincial “xenophobic villager” mindset. This is compounded by the built-in systemic Classism and Colorism that are core aspects of Colombian culture (and seemingly worse on the Caribbean coast).

What did this mean for me personally? It meant that I was effectively “locked out” out of any spaces that have educated and progressive locals. Yes, the language barrier was a contributing factor, but I don’t believe that it was a huge factor, because I was able to have normal conversations with the few educated and progressive Costenos I met. Some even knew English! And yet… they had no interest in connecting and networking.

With a few exceptions, the locals who were interested in connecting with me were lower-class, poor, and desperate locals who basically had their hands out. Meaning that they didn’t see ME or my humanity, but just a walking ATM.

Little or No Expat Support

Speaking of social circles… sadly, CERTAIN EXPATS in Barranquilla – the “main” expat group, I guess? – have the same shitty Costeño mindset, behaviors, and priorities. Listen, “different strokes for different folks”. If you’re a vapid party person, just passing through, here to drink, smoke, hook up with prostitutes, cheat on your partner, attend concerts, listen to ear-destroying music, and gossip… then this is the PERFECT expat group for you! 🙂👍

But if you came to Colombia to do something good and meaningful, it’d be best to keep looking for the more serious and trustworthy expats, or to go live in a different city entirely… which is what I eventually chose.

I have a lot more to say about this expat clique, their narcissistic, tactless, phoney, mean-spirited, misandrist “leader”, their sycophants, their vapid “conversations”, their relentless mockery and unflattering gossip about anyone who isn’t part of their shitty clique… but that could be a whole article unto itself, and frankly I’m f🤬king tired.

Some Good Expats

To be fair, I did meet a handful of good, serious expats. However, they had gotten just as frustrated as I, and all but one left the country. Chris took off to Kenya, Vince to Uganda, “Henry” to Spain, “Jerry” to Mexico, and “Angie” back to the USA. “M” is contemplating going back to Australia or heading to a different country. My close buddy “S” was (and still is) married to a Costena, and is therefore stuck in Barranquilla until his wife’s visa is approved. Funny enough, “S” hates the north coast with a passion that exceeds even mine 😯

I will always be grateful for these few decent fellow expats.

I Had Been Defending Costeños

Wanna hear something funny? When I first decided to “land” in Barranquilla, several people – expats and some locals alike – pegged me as an intellectual, education-oriented, nerdy, non-party person who’s here to do some good and maybe find a community and partner in the process. They were puzzled as to why someone like me would want to live on the Caribbean coast.

I told them the truth: I prefer warm/hot weather, the cost of living in Barranquilla is great for my budget, I had already made “friends” in Barranquilla (two locals, one long-time expat), I had lived here for 3 months already, and so I felt comfortable “settling” here and giving things a chance.

I also believed (falsely, it turns out) that due to the large population of afro-Colombians here, I would be noticed, my value would be recognized, and I would be quickly “integrated” into some local community where I could be useful AND develop genuine relationships (bwaHAHAHAHAHAHAAAaaaHAHAHAaaHAHAaaa 💀 LORD have mercy, look how f🤬king optimistic I was)!

Anyway, my point is that since I hadn’t yet FULLY experienced the complicated social aspects of this culture, I was quick to “defend” Costeños and my decision to land here instead of, say, the more progressive and expat-friendly cities like Bogota or Medellin.

Obviously, harsh reality hit me like a brick wall. The Colombian Caribbean Coast culture is what it is, and I can no longer defend ANY of it 🤷🏿‍♀️

Three Years Wasted

People who hear me complain often ask me, “Then why the FUCK did you stay there for 3 whole years??” This is a valid question, which I’ll answer to the best of my ability, for sake of raw transparency, and to help readers understand that sometimes it’s not so simple to up and leave.

First, I was stuck in a bad apartment contract that had me locked in for 6-month stretches. This is what happens when one doesn’t have sufficient information nor support when making such decisions or purchases 😓

Second, I had gotten too comfortable in my optimism, and I spent a little over 4,000U$D furnishing said apartment, expecting to make it my “base”. You see, I had mistakenly internalized this widespread advice that many people give to their single friends: “Surround yourself with nice things, be comfortable, project success. People are naturally drawn to the appearance of success, so they’ll notice you and likely bring their friends and hang out in your nice comfortable space. That way you can quickly develop a social circle”. HAH! Well, that strategy was clearly ineffective in my case.

Third, I had to juggle “visa runs” as well as a trip to the USA to see my daughter (that trip didn’t happen after all, thanks to fears of Trump’s lawless ICE thugs), while still maintaining a place to lay my head. It would have been very complicated to pack and relocate while doing all that travelling.

Fourth, in early 2025 I thought I’d finally hit the “jackpot”: I started dating an employed, LOYAL, passionate, clean, and organized Costena. She is a single mom (of course, this is Colombia) who had lived mostly in Bogota and therefore she spoke clearer Spanish (I could understand her, and we could have real conversations). She had moved back to Barranquilla to work remote and be closer to family. The early part of our relationship was great, it gave me some optimism, so I changed my plans and delayed my exit from Barranquilla. That turned out to be a foolish move, of course, because just a few months later, she showed her true colors, things went south, and I ended the relationship. But by then I had already extended my apartment contract for another 6 months 🤦

Fifth, I was diagnosed with an umbilical hernia, and had to have a non-emergency minor surgery, followed by at least a month of recovery. I couldn’t do that while also packing and relocating.

In short, based on my circumstances at the time, I had some good reasons for being stuck in Barranquilla for so long. There’s only so much a single middle-aged expat can do all by himself without some genuine support.

Wrap-Up

Complaining about a problem is fine, but one has to eventually take action to resolve it. So, in October of 2025, after recovering from my surgery, and despite some logistical complications, I finally broke out of jail.

It was tough, stressful, and cost me more money than I had planned to spend, but I did it. I moved to Cali, where I hope to connect with some of the elusive good people of Colombia, before I bail out of the country completely like so many others before me.

If YOU move to Colombia, please make better choices than I did! Have a wonderful trip.